Category Archives: Sex Positive

I am Coming Out

As I discussed in Friday’s post, I attended the OpenSF Conference here in San Francisco this last weekend.  It was a fantastic conference, and the organizer, Pepper Mint, did an astounding job.  I attended sessions and workshops, all dealing with different types of non-monogamy and the struggles that non-monogamists experience.  I learned so much that my head is still spinning.

Tristan Taormino did the keynote speech on Sunday morning.  She disclosed some very personal stories, and brought the audience to tears multiple times.  One story, about three men who live in a “triad”, and are in relationships with one another was particularly poignant, and as she spoke about one man’s mother finally reaching acceptance with their non-monogamy, I witnessed several people sobbing.  They want their families to accept their relationships too.

I have been a fan of Tristan’s for quite some time, and I have enormous amounts of respect and admiration for the work she does.  Near the end of her keynote speech, Tristan issued a call to action.  She spoke about privilege, and how important it is for someone who appears “normal” to everyday mainstream society to give back to the marginalized communities they identify with by coming out publicly as a member of that community.

Our lives, the way we live them, open possibilities for people around us. We are role models, whether we like it or not. Our silence will keep us where we are. Telling the truth about our values, our chosen families, will shift the dialogue, will create change.   – Tristan Taormino

I am certainly a privileged person.  I am white.  I am a cisgendered woman.  I have attended college.  I live in a city that is defined by its acceptance of everyone.  I am not in danger of losing a job, my boyfriend, or my friends by speaking about my experiences and who I am, though I do remain both nervous and terrified of my family’s reaction.

I have been the direct beneficiary of the bravery of so many other people in the marginalized communities I identify with, and yet I have refused to speak publicly about my membership in these communities.  So, as I take a deep breath, I am going to come out to you all.  Right now.

COME OUT!

Closets Are Not For Living In

I am kinky.  I enjoy BDSM style sex, with spanking, restraints, blindfolds, collars, whips, paddles, corsets, and addressing my partner as “Sir” when we are engaging in this sort of play, either in public or in private.  I find it all very exciting, and it is part of who I am.  With the encouragement and love of the BDSM community, especially the staff and owners of Wicked Grounds, I have been able to express these desires in clear terms and fulfill them with partners.  I am a happier and healthier person for it.  I am kinky.

I have experienced an open relationship.  During my year of singlehood, I dated a married man, with his wife’s explicit permission.  It was, in many ways, the healthiest and most supportive relationship I had in that time.  I never experienced jealousy of the relationship between Thomas* and Diana*, on the contrary, I knew precisely where I stood with both of them.  The liberation from wondering about the future of the relationship allowed me to enjoy our dates fully, and engage in a friendship with both Thomas and Diana that remains to this day.  I am still in awe of the love, respect, communication, and nurturing that are the cornerstone of their relationship.

Thomas and Diana have been married and involved in BDSM for years, but they both prefer the dominant role, and they chose to open their relationship to accommodate their desires that their spouse couldn’t entirely fulfill.  Thomas was the first person that I explored BDSM with, and I cannot imagine a better person to help me fulfill all the desires I had kept suppressed for years.  He was kind, patient, and encouraging, and I cherish my memories of that time.  I am so completely content with my experience that I have recommended Diana as a potential first BDSM partner to one of my closest friends.  As a personal note to Thomas and Diana: Thank you so much for giving me permission to write about our shared experience, and encouraging me to do so.  I was moved to tears at your acceptance of my request, and your continued excitement and support in my personal journey.  You are amazing allies and friends.

My boyfriend and I are considering non-monogamy.  At the time of writing this post, we are still unsure what that non-monogamy will look like, but the OpenSF conference has given us the tools, the language, and the support of a community as we explore this space.  Our relationship and interpersonal communication has already improved dramatically.  I promise to update my readers as we continue the negotiations, and will discuss the different styles of non-monogamy in another post.

I have answered Tristan’s call to action, and I am now issuing one of my own.  It is so incredibly important that those of us who have the privilege of appearing mainstream to publicly proclaim our membership to the marginalized, demonized, and ostracized communities who have given us so much.  Showing to the world that “normal” people are a part of these communities, that members aren’t some scary nebulous “other”, will pave the way for acceptance.  Stop hiding in a closet and being ashamed of who you are.  Come out.  Our world will be brighter when you do.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

 

Thanks for your support!

Rock the Slut Vote

As I am sure my regular readers are aware, according to Rush Limbaugh, most of the women in America are sluts.

I have previously discussed my issue with the word slut in this post, but I am heartened by this movement.  Rock the Slut Vote.  Take a look at their checklist.  Do you qualify as a slut?  According to that checklist, I am a super slutty slut.  While I hate the word, and I hate the fact that it is used to denigrate women who make decisions about their own sexual health, I support this movement.  If you also qualify as a slut, then you should too.

This movement is not about taking back the world “slut” like the slutwalk movement.  This is about getting women to understand that right now, the Republican party is collectively waging a war on the reproductive rights and sexual health of women.   This is about getting women to go out and make their voices count.

You know that the Republican party has gone too far when a Republican Congressman has added his voice to the cry.  As the sole Republican at a recent Equal Rights Amendment rally, Representative Richard Hanna told the women in the crowd to vote and donate to his political opponents, the Democratic Party.

I think these are very precarious times for women, it seems. So many of your rights are under assault. I’ll tell you this: Contribute your money to people who speak out on your behalf, because the other side — my side — has a lot of it. And you need to send your own message. You need to remind people that you vote, you matter, and that they can’t succeed without your help. […]  If equality had been enshrined in the Constitution for these past 40 years, I wonder if we would still be hearing today from right-wing presidential contenders that women should not serve in combat, that women should think twice before they seek to work outside of the house, that women should not use birth control, and that women who do are called names that are not fit to repeat here. […]  This is a dogfight, it’s a fistfight, and you have all the cards. I can only tell you to get out there and use them. Tell the other women, the other 51 percent of the population, to kick in a few of their bucks. Make it matter, get out there, get on TV, advertise, talk about this. The fact that you want [the ERA] is evidence that you deserve it and you need it.

What a gorgeous statement.  If you identify as a Republican, or a Conservative, and you don’t feel that your personal beliefs regarding sexual health or equal rights are being represented by your congresspeople and senators, then make a donation to the other party.  Vote for the other party.  Tell your representatives how you feel about their statements in the media.

In other news, if someone buys me this, I will post a picture of myself wearing it as soon as I receive it.  Comment below if you wish to do so, and comment below if you have something to say about this movement.

Abstinence-Only Education is Negligent Parenting

When you become a parent, one of the biggest parts of your new job is protecting your child. You’d never let your child sleep with a plastic bag in the crib; you’d never let him or her ride a bike for the first time without a helmet; and you would never just toss your child the keys to the car without teaching them how to drive it first. So why, then, are so many parents failing at protecting their children from the lies, misinformation, and danger of abstinence-only sex education? Read the rest of this entry

Coming Out: The Other Side of the Coin

I recently came across this article through one of my friends. The love and compassion of this man brought me to tears, and brought back a wave of memories. Read the rest of this entry

Let’s Talk About Sex

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to have some one-on-one time with a lovely 13 year old young lady. We had a two hour long talk about sex, puberty, and relationships. I was able to answer all of the questions she had regarding these topics, and to give some information that she couldn’t get through school, and was too embarrassed to ask her family members. Read the rest of this entry

Jim’s Dad: Sex-Positive Parenting Done Right

With the new American Pie sequel coming out into theaters, I thought that it was high time I finally sat down and watched the current trilogy.  Until this last weekend, I had never seen these movies before.  I have never watched Dawson’s Creek, or (until recently) Friends, and Sex and the City.  I also laughed at the end of Titanic, and I’ve never seen any of the movies in the Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, or Final Destination franchises either.  I know, I know.  I’m a terrible example of the Millennial generation.    Read the rest of this entry

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