Ten Dirty Little Secrets: A Response
One of my favorite fellow bloggers had a recent post titled “Ten Dirty Little Secrets She’s Not Telling You“. Carolina was responding to male bloggers claims of how “deceitful” women are in relationships, by claiming that yes, women are deceitful and are hiding things from you or outright lying to their partners.
While her generalizations are true for a lot of young women, once you reach 25 or so, these really should no longer apply to you. Most of these are more about a lack of maturity than anything else. I am going to respond to these, line by line.
1. She tells her girlfriends everything, including what you’re like in bed, and how big you are. You would cringe if you knew the juicy personal details about you she’s blabbing everywhere she goes.
Again, this is something that is typical of young women who are in their first few relationships. I know that I did this for years. I eventually realized that this undermines the intimacy of my relationship. My girlfriends and I talk, but as I have positioned myself as a sexpert, I have kind of invited that into my life. We vent to each other only when we are not being heard by our partners, or we know that we’re talking about something trivial and don’t want to bother our partners with the fact that they put the toilet paper on the dispenser the wrong way. We feel better afterwards, but if any of us is having a real problem, then we talk about it with our partner, not our girl friends.
2. She really doesn’t like to go camping, hiking, parachuting, bungee cord jumping, white water rafting, hunting, mountain climbing, etc. She only says she does to make you think you have things in common.
I absolutely love to go hiking and camping. When you live in an urban environment, going out into nature feels almost magical, and is a welcome respite from the hustle, the bustle, the feeling that everything around you never stops. Boyfriend loves to do these things too, but right now, his knee injury prevents us from doing a lot of these things. At one point, I dated a guy who loved to do indoor rock climbing. I went with him once, but I quickly figured out that it wasn’t for me, and declined further invitations to go climbing. You should never feel pressure to lie about your interests so that you make yourself more appealing to a partner. If you begin a relationship by lying to your partner about “shared” interests, you won’t be able to keep up the lie for long, and the relationship will end in resentment.
3. She doesn’t like most sports—not to watch it—and certainly not to play it.
Again, I feel that this is a gross generalization. I know of so many women who love to watch sports! I have several girl friends who have season tickets to the SF Giants, or follow a particular sports team religiously. I, personally, LOVE football. I grew up in the Denver area, and my grandpa has amazing season tickets. Going to see a Broncos game with my grandpa was a special treat, and it translated into a love for the game. In fact, Boyfriend and I recently attended an arena football game (Go, Sabercats!), and he was completely unprepared for how excited and LOUD I became over the course of the game. I played softball as a kid, and have considered joining a co-ed adult team here in San Francisco because of how much I enjoyed it as a kid. It’s actually a little sexist to assume that all girls dislike sports.
4. She doesn’t like giving BJs.
I certainly know quite a few women who hate performing fellatio. For me, due to issues that I have with my jaw, it can actually be physically painful. However, that is not to say that I hate pleasing a partner in that way. In fact, it can make me feel kind of powerful, and I know that a lot of my girl friends feel the same way. There’s almost a feeling of, “Look what I can make you do! *insert evil laugh*”. It is sexy to feel that you are pleasing your partner.
5. She’s all lovey-dovey with you, but when you’re not around she’s complaining about you–to everyone. (And it isn’t just family and friends. It’s hair stylists, manicurists, bank clerks, cashiers, that guy who works at Home Depot, neighbors, waitresses, co-workers, everyone.)
This is like the first item in the list, but it goes even further. Complaining to strangers about your relationship exhibits some serious insecurity, and those strangers are probably thinking, “Wow, this person is completely unstable.” Unless you have a previously established friendship with that person that includes sharing intimate details, then talking badly about your relationship to strangers shows a lack of respect for yourself, your partner, and your relationship. If you are doing this with acquaintances, then they are probably wondering what you are saying about them behind their backs.
6. She fakes it—a lot.
This is, of course, speaking about orgasms. Ladies, if you are at a point where you are faking orgasms at all, then you are doing your partner a serious disservice. Think of how betrayed and insecure he or she will feel to find out that even though they thought they were a great lover and a giving partner, they have not satisfied you in the least, and you felt the need to lie to them about it. That’s really what faking an orgasm is, you know. It is lying, pure and simple. It is up to you to teach your partner the things that make you feel good, because no one is a mind-reader. Learn to communicate your expectations and desires instead of expecting your partner to magically “know” what you like. Unless your partner has some serious insecurity issues, he or she will be happy to oblige and may actually thank you for helping them become a better lover.
7. She can’t stand your buddies, thinks they are a bad influence, and would like to remove them from your life.
This one is also disturbing to me. Unless your partner’s friends are actively encouraging illegal behavior, or things that will undermine your relationship (like cheating), or they are disrespectful to you, then it is best to just accept that these people are a part of your partner’s life, and have helped shape them into the person you know and love. If you don’t like particular people in your partner’s life, then excuse yourself from events that these people are going to attend. But don’t try to change your partner’s friends. That is controlling behavior and he or she will resent you for being so negative about people that are important to your partner.
8. She got into the relationship with you for your potential. She thinks you need improving and she’s going to fix you.
This kind of thinking is poisonous. A person is not a project, and you should never decide to get into a relationship with the end goal of molding that person into some lofty ideal. No one is perfect, and while it is good to encourage your partner, you should love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
9. She’s keeping a close eye on you. She uncovers intel on you with an efficiency that would
make James Bond envious. She snoops through your cell phone, email, glove compartment, Facebook, and anything else she can get her hands on. She will drive past your house late at night to make sure your car is there and someone else’s isn’t.
Oh, and her girlfriends are watching your ass, too, and they’re gonna rat you out.
This speaks more to your insecurity than anything else. If you are snooping through your partner’s things, you are GROSSLY violating his or her privacy, and that is just not okay. How would you feel if you found your partner looking through your text messages, or found out that he or she had figured out your passwords to your Facebook or email, and had gone through everything? You would feel angry and violated. If you are feeling the need to do this, then you need to spend some time with a therapist and figure out why you have trust issues, and why you feel that it is “okay” to completely violate personal space and boundaries. Seriously, acting this way speaks of some serious issues, and you should see a professional about it.
10. She may be your sweet innocent angelic ‘lil Pookie Wookie Wookums. But, if you do her wrong—like lie your ass off or cheat—she’s going to turn into a snarling, fire-breathing, vengeance seeking handmaiden of Satan.
Yeah, pretty much.
Posted on June 15, 2012, in Dating and tagged abusive behavior, abusive relationship, bad situations, dating, emotional intimacy, low self esteem, relationships, society, women. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.