Let’s Talk About Sex

This past weekend, I was fortunate enough to have some one-on-one time with a lovely 13 year old young lady. We had a two hour long talk about sex, puberty, and relationships. I was able to answer all of the questions she had regarding these topics, and to give some information that she couldn’t get through school, and was too embarrassed to ask her family members.

I had mixed reactions to our conversation. On one hand, I was incredibly thankful that I could be there as a resource for her, to dispel myths and explain some of the most basic sexual concepts in a non-judgemental fashion. On the other hand, I was horrified that she hadn’t learned any of this through the sexual education at her school. When you consider that the teenage birth rate in the US is the highest among developed countries, and California has the distinction of having the highest teenage birth rate in the country, this lack of information is shocking.

I ended up explaining things that I honestly thought would be covered in the basics of sex ed in public schools. She knew about how men reached climax, but not how a woman would, as she had no idea what a clitoris or a female orgasm was. She thought that oral sex only involved talking to a partner, but she understood the concept of anal sex. She only had basic information about condoms and I was definitely under the impression that she didn’t know much about any other form of contraception.

For the record, she lives in a relatively wealthy area, and she goes to one of the top schools in the area. In fact, she goes to a California Distinguished School that specializes in high-achieving and gifted students. How is it that this young lady has not learned more about sexual health in school?

It all seems to boil down to the “abstinence only” education that has become so prevalent in schools today. Even though studies have shown that teenagers who take an “abstinence pledge” are no less likely than their peers to engage in sexual activity (in fact, they have exactly the same rates as those who do not), these programs remain in place in most of the US. These same teenagers, due to lack of information or a sense of embarrassment or shame, are less likely to use contraception and are more likely to become pregnant or to contract an STI. They are also more likely to engage in oral or anal sex, under the mistaken impression that these types of sexual behaviors don’t “count” as sex.

This conversation is the entire reason that I started this blog. I have been the impartial informational resource for the young women in my life for years now. Although I felt good about sharing all of this information with this particular young lady, my disappointment in the health education in the US has deepened.

With that in mind, I would love some questions from my readers. The question can be about anything: sex, relationships, contraception, or a personal question for me. You can ask them in the comments below, or if you’d prefer not to have your name associated, please email me at suzanne@nicegirlslikesextoo.com. I will do a follow-up post later this week with answers to all of your questions.

Posted on April 9, 2012, in Abstinence Education, Contraception, Dating, Personal Stories, Sex Positive and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Although I don’t currently have any questions (you know google is amazing), I noticed you mentioned because she was at a “California Distinguished School that specializes in high-achieving and gifted students. How is it that this young lady has not learned more about sexual health in school?”, you are surprised she does not know.

    But she *is* 13, and I know that is the age some girls get their period if not slightly younger, but I went to a CDS for middle and high school. In middle, they talked about only the science of sex; how one gets pregnant, what happens durring pregnancy, and vaguely mentioned options besides poppin’ babies. It was not until I was 16, that I had Bio. Which dedicated an entire semester to more in depths of sex.

    Even then, the dissapointing part about sex education are idiots in general. I had girls who were in MY class, and were taught the exact same facts as me- and yet they wound up pregnant. One who did the “pull out method” said she ‘didn’t think she would get pregnant so easily’ even though she knew damn well about pre-cum.
    The other did not take her medication reguarly and messed up her own system making her just as baby ready with or with the pill.

    My point is, CDS or not, there has either not been a more exclusive way to nail important facts into teens, or they are just dumb. My friend were examples of dumb, and they know that they knew better and choose to think otherwise.

    • At 13, I knew a 14 year old girl who was pregnant. And so many other girls in my class got pregnant throughout high school. It’s important to start this kind of education as they become sexually mature. Most girls have their first period around 11 or 12 now, and some girls get it even younger.

      With the hyper-sexualization of our culture, we need to give as much age-appropriate information as possible. I definitely knew more about sex at 13 than this particular young lady did, and this was before I had unlimited internet access!

  2. In uk we have first class at 10/11. And second when I was 14 and girl in are class was already pregnant. And then we did have that class 90 percent of it was how abortion was wrong and we should avoid sex. I learnt most in playground or from friends older siblings . I make sure that I tell my godchildren facts if they feel. Can’t go to there parents

  3. ok as the daughter of a midwife and having been the person to ask about sex questions within my group of friends since middle school i know a lot about sex but until my current boyfriend I didn’t think I would ever have female ejaculation. would love to learn more about it since i never have the time to look this stuff up any more.

    also I’d like to say that even with all my amazing knowledge of the female body i still had an extremely hard time learning to orgasm with men. It wasn’t until i began to really communicate during sex that this became possible. It really changed my view of the world to because i realized i needed to communicate differently in the real world to get what I needed out of it.

    also wanted Nice Girl to know i’m pointing inquisitive minds in your direction 😉

    • I will definitely address female ejaculation in the follow up post! And thanks so much for sharing, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it!

  4. Wow. She thought oral sex involved talking.

    But, when I was a kid, my parents didn’t have “the talk” with me. I found out about sex from the neighbor kids.

    • Was all the information you got from the neighbor kids factual? Or was it the typical mixture of fact and myths?

  5. Wow, that is astonishing! Even in CATHOLIC school I learned more about the birds & bees than this girl! I knew the basic functions of how babies were made, but orgasm? Ha! Good luck getting sister to discuss THAT! My school was rather progressive however b/c we had female altar servers unlike the other church in my town who only touted males traditionally. Teaching sex ed in Catholic school wasn’t unusual in my area. I don’t understand why the big deal elsewhere in the country & world.

    I had my period at 10-11. It was horrifying b/c my parents grabbed my bloddy underwear waved it around excitedly saying in our tradition they’d have to throw a huge party roast a pig & show EVERYONE in my family my underwear saying how I’d become a woman! I screamed & started to CRY “NO!”. They were like don’t you want us to invite all your cousins over & have a big party? Again I just whimpered “no” thru tears streaming down my face ashamed. I knew damn well what a period was from my mother and school, what it meant, and that my life as I knew it would change. How though? I was completely unprepared for it. For that reason my sister hid her period for MONTHS from my mother. After that my life changed forever.

    My mother threatened me saying if I ever had sex, she’d know b/c she’d be ON ME raiding the bathroom garbage can monthly checking for pads. If I was late she’d know, If I was having sex. She claimed I’d have more acne. There’d be other signs, AND she’d KNOW. I was mortified & terrorized my entire young adulthood by her.

    When I turned 16 I decided I wouldn’t make the same stupid mistakes my cousins made getting knocked up & eloping w/boys who fathered their child just to get away from their miserable families like mine b/c my parents INSISTED that I’d be a prostitute homeless w/a bastard child on the street if I didn’t obey them completely.I waited til my sweet 16 milestone then fucked the 1st dumb tolerable looking boy so I wouldn’t fall stupid in love w/him like my virgin friends who fell for their 1sts.

    With Planned Parenthood & my savvy public aschool friends in high school, I taught myself about sex & b rought about my own sexual revolution awakening. I became reknowned for my sexual exploits w/my 1st b/f among friends b/c we were quite adventurous. I knew all about sex through PRACTICE. Had my 1st orgasm vaginally on top w/him after several months. Had no idea what that was like until it happened quite by accident. It was explosive. Couldn’t replicate that feeling again til adulthood just had oral orgasms which I found to be WAY more intense than the vaginal ones anyway.

    I made sure to fuck everything I wanted in sight whenever I wanted as long as I was safe! Planned Parenthood was my resource & some friends of mine were volunteers there, so I had unlimited access to contraceptives for free. Now in my Puritanical family I am the 1st foremost expert on all things sex related & reknowned for bein the wild child aunt/cousin. My friends and family still defer to me for sex advice & help w/siblings who’re about to engage In risky behavior.

    The GSpot is still hard for me to reach on my own b/c well the only way to reach it is from behind & my butt is very big & gets in the way. Every book I’d read about it really didn’t help me b/c well masturbation just wasn’t as fun as sex for me unless it was mutual masturbation. I’m fortunate I’ve had adept lovers and am with someone who has as high a libido as my own & SKILLED in the bedroom as well. I am so happy for ur blog in dispelling myths & educating women on things they really oughta know, I refer as many people to it as possible. Keep fighting the good fight! Happy fulfilling sex & relationships for everyone is all I can wish upon all of you! Sorry for the ramble as always. I’m just a HUGE fan always have always will be of you NICE GIRL personally & now “literally” 🙂

  6. I really hope you did not encourage this girl to start experimenting with her sexuality. She’s so young. You should make sure that she knows it’s perfectly okay to wait until she feels ready. I also hope that all this information you’ve bombarded her with does not pressure her into going out and hooking up. Girls are growing up so quickly. It’s really quite frightening.

    • I absolutely told her that it was her decision as to when she decided to have sex. The talk I had with her started when she was asking questions, and I let her direct the conversation.

Tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: