Comments and Replies
I asked for some assistance from my readers on Wednesday. I want to create a primer for girls to teach them how to be more assertive in expressing their interest directly to someone they are attracted to. I received two comments, but only one of the comments was approved to post, as the other also included some insults directed at me. You will see the entire non-posted comment below, as I respond to each sentiment.
I found the two responses that were posted here on the blog to be fascinating for various reasons. Both of the comments were posted by men; I didn’t get any feedback at all from my female readers. Both comments also recommended that the hypothetical girl in question remain passively flirtatious while the (assumed) man does all of the assertive behavior. However, Dan, the author of the comment that was approved discussed his shyness, and he asked for some feedback and advice. The comment that was not approved was rather misogynistic, to be honest, and I don’t think Tom, the author of the unapproved comment, realized that I was asking for advice for girls in general, not for myself.
For romance and dating.
Find a male who you find attractive. Give them the coy come hither look to draw them in. Men mostly like to make the first move and you are attracted to super social attractive band members so your standards are very high, but that doesn’t mean you can’t chose the guys you like and help them make the first move.
My anecdote at the beginning of Wednesday’s blog was to illustrate how girls are socialized to be passive about expressing any desires, and I asked for advice on how to change that. Giving a “coy come hither look” is not an assertive behavior. Based on the approved comment by Dan, not all guys like to make the first move, and I know from personal experience that there are some wonderful men who are relieved when a girl is blunt about expressing interest. Why play games and be coy, when these signals can be overlooked or misinterpreted?
Touch your hair, giggle at their jokes, act weak and defenseless and vulnerable as above. Once you’re with them drink or eat with them, dress promiscuously, and touch them lots.
If you’re thin and have acceptable looks getting sex from a male doesn’t require any skills or special articles on how to do it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Tom. For starters, acting weak, defenseless, and vulnerable are not assertive behaviors, and these suggestions, along with the advice to dress promiscuously, and the caveat of being thin with “acceptable looks” are insulting to any woman who has a brain. Are you honestly suggesting that a man will only be attracted to some waif-y damsel in distress who is showing a lot of skin?
No one has ever been able to accuse me of being thin since I was in high school. I am in good shape, but my genetics have dictated that I have an hourglass figure, no matter what size I am. These assets have served me well, but they do not allow me to wear clothing that shows a lot of skin while maintaining any semblance of class or modesty. There are more women in the US who look like me instead of having a smaller figure, and suggesting that the majority of women are not worthy of dating (or one night stands) is simplistic and again, insulting.
You just have to ask them to have sex with you. Not even that is needed. Approaching a guy is generally seen as a marker of sexual interest, and any experienced guy knows it.
Finally, some assertive advice! Oh… Wait… No… Tom, have you ever heard the saying, “sometimes a spade is just a spade”? Well, that can be applied here. Sometimes, a girl who approaches a guy really does just want to compliment you on your shirt, or ask you a question about that conversation she overheard.
In fact, unless she outright says “yes, I want to have sex with you”, you should probably assume that the conversation at hand is just that, a conversation, not an invitation for sex. I am actually quite disturbed that you seem to think that a conversation between two people means that sex will happen at some point in the near future.
I am going to break down the remainder of the comment into each sentence.
Finding guys who are right for them is not a problem for most women.
First of all, you seem to have the incorrect assumption that women have an easy time dating. This is absolutely false. I spent a year just dating around, with a caveat of no serious relationships. Although I am a gregarious person with high self-esteem, finding someone, anyone, who didn’t have some serious issues (like being an alcoholic or emotionally constipated) was incredibly difficult.
They just only flirt with people they find attractive.
My main problem with this sentence is when it is viewed in conjunction with your earlier assumption that all interaction is indicative of sexual interest. Do you honestly think that if a girl talks to you, she is really saying “I want to see you with your clothes off”? I am a notorious flirt. I flirt with most of my male friends, but that does not mean that I am attracted to them or want to sleep with them, and they know that, because they don’t have your warped sense of cross-sexual interaction.
Your issue, I presume, is that your attractometer was slightly off and you were either seeking out douchebags or wimps.
I don’t even know where to begin on this one. I was not asking for advice about my own personal relationships, as I am in a healthy stable relationship. I was asking how we could move away from girls taking a passive role in expressing sexual interest to girls acting more assertive.
Further, no one has an “attractometer” that automatically filters out people who are not right for you. I have dated quite a few very attractive men who had some serious issues that were not readily apparent, even after three months of dating. This goes back to your assumption that women have the easy part in the dating game.
You couldn’t be more wrong about women if you tried. If you were indeed trying, then bravo, Tom, you are a successful troll.