Monthly Archives: June 2012

I am a Feminist. Are You?

Oooh, that scary F-word.  It breaks my heart to hear women say something supporting women’s rights, and then say “oh, but I’m not a feminist”, or, even worse “but don’t get me wrong, I’m not a feminazi”.  There is a misconception that being a feminist means that you preemptively hate all men, that you are angry about feminist issues all the time, that you want to scream to the heavens as you burn your bra and declare that all sex between men and women is rape.

I don’t hate men.  On the contrary, between my dad, boyfriend, and some of the lovely men I have the privilege to call my friends, I think that it can safely be said that I love men.  I have surrounded myself with shining examples of men who are loving, kind, and treat everyone with the respect they deserve.

I am a feminist because

  • I believe that I deserve to be paid the same amount as a man who has been doing the same job as I have for the same period of time.
  • I believe that I deserve access to medically accurate information regarding my sexual health.
  • I believe that I deserve to have my contraception covered by my health insurance, just like I deserve to have a broken bone covered.
  • I believe that I have the ability to decide my own sexual partner or partners, and that derogatory terms for my sexuality qualify as verbal assault.
  • I believe that I and my partner are the only ones who are responsible for deciding when I have a child, if ever.
  • I believe that I deserve to walk down the street without being harassed.
  • I believe that I have the right to decide my place in society.  If I and my partner decide that I should be a housewife, then that should be acceptable and supported.  If I decide to be the CEO of an international corporation and earn that title, then that should be accepted and supported.
  • I believe that teaching women how to “not get raped” instead of teaching everyone “don’t rape” is a failure of our society.
  • I believe that women and men are raped, abused, and exploited.  I believe that this is a tragedy that is also a failure of our society.
  • I believe that “look at what she was wearing”, “how much alcohol did she drink?”, and “well, she should take responsibility for putting herself in a bad situation”, are classic examples of rape culture, and these phrases should be removed from any discourse.
  • I believe that books like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey normalize and romanticize abusive and controlling relationships.  I believe that holding these up as “romantic ideals” for young women creates a generation of victims.
  • I believe that the cult of virginity is toxic.
  • I believe that I have the right to expect that I am treated with respect, and that my stated boundaries are honored.
  • I believe that everyone should have the right to get married, no matter what their sexual orientation may be.

These are just a few of the reasons that I am a feminist.  Do you consider yourself a feminist?  Do you agree with my reasons, or have a few of your own to add?

I Have Pride

I’ve had a lot of personal crises this week, and I would like to apologize to my readers for not updating as regularly this week.  I’m actually finding it really hard to find something to write about today (obviously, as this post is scheduled to go live sometime after 5pm today).

I am very excited for the San Francisco Pride celebration this weekend.  I love living in a city where sexuality is not something to be ashamed of or hidden, but is celebrated and lived openly.  One of my personal heroes, Dan Savage, frequently has callers to his podcast who are talking about being unable to live openly as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer in their respective hometowns.  He almost always recommends that they move somewhere like San Francisco, where the culture is overwhelmingly accepting.

I am proud to live in this city.  I am proud of those who have had the courage to live their lives in a manner that is authentic to who they are.

I will be at the parade on Sunday, and now that I have found my camera, I look forward to sharing some pictures with all of you, dear readers!

Ten Dirty Little Secrets: A Response

One of my favorite fellow bloggers had a recent post titled “Ten Dirty Little Secrets She’s Not Telling You“.  Carolina was responding to male bloggers claims of how “deceitful” women are in relationships, by claiming that yes, women are deceitful and are hiding things from you or outright lying to their partners.

While her generalizations are true for a lot of young women, once you reach 25 or so, these really should no longer apply to you.  Most of these are more about a lack of maturity than anything else.  I am going to respond to these, line by line.

1.  She tells her girlfriends everything, including what you’re like in bed, and how big you are. You would cringe if you knew the juicy personal details about you she’s blabbing everywhere she goes.

Again, this is something that is typical of young women who are in their first few relationships.  I know that I did this for years.  I eventually realized that this undermines the intimacy of my relationship.  My girlfriends and I talk, but as I have positioned myself as a sexpert, I have kind of invited that into my life. We vent to each other only when we are not being heard by our partners, or we know that we’re talking about something trivial and don’t want to bother our partners with the fact that they put the toilet paper on the dispenser the wrong way. We feel better afterwards, but if any of us is having a real problem, then we talk about it with our partner, not our girl friends.

2.   She really doesn’t like to go camping, hiking, parachuting, bungee cord jumping, white water rafting, hunting, mountain climbing, etc. She only says she does to make you think you have things in common.

I absolutely love to go hiking and camping.  When you live in an urban environment, going out into nature feels almost magical, and is a welcome respite from the hustle, the bustle, the feeling that everything around you never stops.  Boyfriend loves to do these things too, but right now, his knee injury prevents us from doing a lot of these things.  At one point, I dated a guy who loved to do indoor rock climbing.  I went with him once, but I quickly figured out that it wasn’t for me, and declined further invitations to go climbing.  You should never feel pressure to lie about your interests so that you make yourself more appealing to a partner.  If you begin a relationship by lying to your partner about “shared” interests, you won’t be able to keep up the lie for long, and the relationship will end in resentment.

3.   She doesn’t like most sports—not to watch it—and certainly not to play it.

Again, I feel that this is a gross generalization.  I know of so many women who love to watch sports!  I have several girl friends who have season tickets to the SF Giants, or follow a particular sports team religiously.  I, personally, LOVE football.  I grew up in the Denver area, and my grandpa has amazing season tickets.  Going to see a Broncos game with my grandpa was a special treat, and it translated into a love for the game.  In fact, Boyfriend and I recently attended an arena football game (Go, Sabercats!), and he was completely unprepared for how excited and LOUD I became over the course of the game.  I played softball as a kid, and have considered joining a co-ed adult team here in San Francisco because of how much I enjoyed it as a kid.  It’s actually a little sexist to assume that all girls dislike sports.

4.   She doesn’t like giving BJs.

I certainly know quite a few women who hate performing fellatio.  For me, due to issues that I have with my jaw, it can actually be physically painful.  However, that is not to say that I hate pleasing a partner in that way.  In fact, it can make me feel kind of powerful, and I know that a lot of my girl friends feel the same way.  There’s almost a feeling of, “Look what I can make you do! *insert evil laugh*”.  It is sexy to feel that you are pleasing your partner.

5.   She’s all lovey-dovey with you, but when you’re not around she’s complaining about you–to everyone. (And it isn’t just family and friends. It’s hair stylists, manicurists, bank clerks, cashiers, that guy who works at Home Depot, neighbors, waitresses, co-workers, everyone.)

This is like the first item in the list, but it goes even further.  Complaining to strangers about your relationship exhibits some serious insecurity, and those strangers are probably thinking, “Wow, this person is completely unstable.”  Unless you have a previously established friendship with that person that includes sharing intimate details, then talking badly about your relationship to strangers shows a lack of respect for yourself, your partner, and your relationship.  If you are doing this with acquaintances, then they are probably wondering what you are saying about them behind their backs.

6.   She fakes it—a lot.

This is, of course, speaking about orgasms.  Ladies, if you are at a point where you are faking orgasms at all, then you are doing your partner a serious disservice.  Think of how betrayed and insecure he or she will feel to find out that even though they thought they were a great lover and a giving partner, they have not satisfied you in the least, and you felt the need to lie to them about it.  That’s really what faking an orgasm is, you know.  It is lying, pure and simple.  It is up to you to teach your partner the things that make you feel good, because no one is a mind-reader.  Learn to communicate your expectations and desires instead of expecting your partner to magically “know” what you like.  Unless your partner has some serious insecurity issues, he or she will be happy to oblige and may actually thank you for helping them become a better lover.

7.   She can’t stand your buddies, thinks they are a bad influence, and would like to remove them from your life.

This one is also disturbing to me.  Unless your partner’s friends are actively encouraging illegal behavior, or things that will undermine your relationship (like cheating), or they are disrespectful to you, then it is best to just accept that these people are a part of your partner’s life, and have helped shape them into the person you know and love.  If you don’t like particular people in your partner’s life, then excuse yourself from events that these people are going to attend.  But don’t try to change your partner’s friends.  That is controlling behavior and he or she will resent you for being so negative about people that are important to your partner.

8.   She got into the relationship with you for your potential. She thinks you need improving and she’s going to fix you.

This kind of thinking is poisonous.  A person is not a project, and you should never decide to get into a relationship with the end goal of molding that person into some lofty ideal.  No one is perfect, and while it is good to encourage your partner, you should love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.

9.   She’s keeping a close eye on you. She uncovers intel on you with an efficiency that would
make James Bond envious. She snoops through your cell phone, email, glove compartment, Facebook, and anything else she can get her hands on. She will drive past your house late at night to make sure your car is there and someone else’s isn’t.

Oh, and her girlfriends are watching your ass, too, and they’re gonna rat you out.

This speaks more to your insecurity than anything else.  If you are snooping through your partner’s things, you are GROSSLY violating his or her privacy, and that is just not okay.  How would you feel if you found your partner looking through your text messages, or found out that he or she had figured out your passwords to your Facebook or email, and had gone through everything?  You would feel angry and violated.  If you are feeling the need to do this, then you need to spend some time with a therapist and figure out why you have trust issues, and why you feel that it is “okay” to completely violate personal space and boundaries.  Seriously, acting this way speaks of some serious issues, and you should see a professional about it.

10. She may be your sweet innocent angelic ‘lil Pookie Wookie Wookums. But, if you do her wrong—like lie your ass off or cheat—she’s going to turn into a snarling, fire-breathing, vengeance seeking handmaiden of Satan.

Yeah, pretty much.

Nice Girl:

Hi everyone! I had planned on writing about Anita Sarkeesian today, but I found another blog that has done a much better job than I would have. Foz Meadows very clearly explains why and how internet and gaming Rape Culture is toxic, leads to misogyny, and can actually engender sexual assault and rape. I hope you all enjoy it.

Originally posted on shattersnipe: malcontent & rainbows:

About a week ago, I wrote a post on Penny Arcade vs. Rape Culture, which sent my blog traffic skyrocketing after it was linked on Reddit. However, both in comments on the post itself and elsewhere on Reddit, quite a few people seemed to be missing the point: or, more specifically, misunderstanding what rape culture actually is and how it applies to gaming. One commenter, in fact, responded thusly:

My mind is boggled that you feel righteous in condemning something people enjoy, especially when it’s not even real. Do you realize that’s what you’re doing? You’re standing up and telling all these people, people you don’t know, that what they’re enjoying is *wrong*. You don’t have numbers or statistics or any sort of fact behind you quantifying how what they do is wrong. None. Telling people that what they enjoy in the privacy of their own homes…

View original 4,029 more words

I am Coming Out

As I discussed in Friday’s post, I attended the OpenSF Conference here in San Francisco this last weekend.  It was a fantastic conference, and the organizer, Pepper Mint, did an astounding job.  I attended sessions and workshops, all dealing with different types of non-monogamy and the struggles that non-monogamists experience.  I learned so much that my head is still spinning.

Tristan Taormino did the keynote speech on Sunday morning.  She disclosed some very personal stories, and brought the audience to tears multiple times.  One story, about three men who live in a “triad”, and are in relationships with one another was particularly poignant, and as she spoke about one man’s mother finally reaching acceptance with their non-monogamy, I witnessed several people sobbing.  They want their families to accept their relationships too.

I have been a fan of Tristan’s for quite some time, and I have enormous amounts of respect and admiration for the work she does.  Near the end of her keynote speech, Tristan issued a call to action.  She spoke about privilege, and how important it is for someone who appears “normal” to everyday mainstream society to give back to the marginalized communities they identify with by coming out publicly as a member of that community.

Our lives, the way we live them, open possibilities for people around us. We are role models, whether we like it or not. Our silence will keep us where we are. Telling the truth about our values, our chosen families, will shift the dialogue, will create change.   – Tristan Taormino

I am certainly a privileged person.  I am white.  I am a cisgendered woman.  I have attended college.  I live in a city that is defined by its acceptance of everyone.  I am not in danger of losing a job, my boyfriend, or my friends by speaking about my experiences and who I am, though I do remain both nervous and terrified of my family’s reaction.

I have been the direct beneficiary of the bravery of so many other people in the marginalized communities I identify with, and yet I have refused to speak publicly about my membership in these communities.  So, as I take a deep breath, I am going to come out to you all.  Right now.

COME OUT!

Closets Are Not For Living In

I am kinky.  I enjoy BDSM style sex, with spanking, restraints, blindfolds, collars, whips, paddles, corsets, and addressing my partner as “Sir” when we are engaging in this sort of play, either in public or in private.  I find it all very exciting, and it is part of who I am.  With the encouragement and love of the BDSM community, especially the staff and owners of Wicked Grounds, I have been able to express these desires in clear terms and fulfill them with partners.  I am a happier and healthier person for it.  I am kinky.

I have experienced an open relationship.  During my year of singlehood, I dated a married man, with his wife’s explicit permission.  It was, in many ways, the healthiest and most supportive relationship I had in that time.  I never experienced jealousy of the relationship between Thomas* and Diana*, on the contrary, I knew precisely where I stood with both of them.  The liberation from wondering about the future of the relationship allowed me to enjoy our dates fully, and engage in a friendship with both Thomas and Diana that remains to this day.  I am still in awe of the love, respect, communication, and nurturing that are the cornerstone of their relationship.

Thomas and Diana have been married and involved in BDSM for years, but they both prefer the dominant role, and they chose to open their relationship to accommodate their desires that their spouse couldn’t entirely fulfill.  Thomas was the first person that I explored BDSM with, and I cannot imagine a better person to help me fulfill all the desires I had kept suppressed for years.  He was kind, patient, and encouraging, and I cherish my memories of that time.  I am so completely content with my experience that I have recommended Diana as a potential first BDSM partner to one of my closest friends.  As a personal note to Thomas and Diana: Thank you so much for giving me permission to write about our shared experience, and encouraging me to do so.  I was moved to tears at your acceptance of my request, and your continued excitement and support in my personal journey.  You are amazing allies and friends.

My boyfriend and I are considering non-monogamy.  At the time of writing this post, we are still unsure what that non-monogamy will look like, but the OpenSF conference has given us the tools, the language, and the support of a community as we explore this space.  Our relationship and interpersonal communication has already improved dramatically.  I promise to update my readers as we continue the negotiations, and will discuss the different styles of non-monogamy in another post.

I have answered Tristan’s call to action, and I am now issuing one of my own.  It is so incredibly important that those of us who have the privilege of appearing mainstream to publicly proclaim our membership to the marginalized, demonized, and ostracized communities who have given us so much.  Showing to the world that “normal” people are a part of these communities, that members aren’t some scary nebulous “other”, will pave the way for acceptance.  Stop hiding in a closet and being ashamed of who you are.  Come out.  Our world will be brighter when you do.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

 

Thanks for your support!

OpenSF

I am pleased to announce that I will be attending the OpenSF conference here in San Francisco.

OpenSF is a conference geared towards and around polyamorous and open relationships. There will be seminars and lectures about etiquette, ethics, and some of the potential pitfalls of dating more than one person at a time.

While I am at the conference, I will be live-tweeting my thoughts and anything I find interesting. If you are not already following me on twitter, my handle is @NiceGirlsToo.  I am so very excited to be attending and to learn more about alternative sexual lifestyles.  I hope you will find my live-tweets informative and interesting.  I am currently planning to do a follow-up post here on Monday.

Ms. Taken: Fake Engagement Rings

About six months ago, I purchased a ring from Ms. Taken.  I love going out to sing karaoke, and my boyfriend isn’t a fan of how loud the bars can get when karaoke is in full swing.  So, I go without him from time to time.

It almost never fails that if I am sitting by myself at a bar, I will get unwanted attention.  Some would-be Romeo comes up, asks if he can buy me a drink, and starts attempting to talk to me.  Being the smart person I am, I know precisely what this guy is after.  He is attempting to purchase a night of affection or sex with alcohol and compliments.  I refuse to play this game, and I will immediately tell the guy that I have a boyfriend.

The smart guys will back off right away.  The dumb ones, however, will persist.  I have heard so many awful things from men who are indignant at the fact that I have seen through their charade.  These include,

  • “Well, he must not love you very much if he’s not here.”   Actually, he actively encourages me to go out and do the things that make me happy, even if they are things he doesn’t enjoy.  THAT is how much he loves me, you nitwit.  Being in a relationship doesn’t mean we are attached at the hip.
  • “If I was your boyfriend, I would never have let a pretty girl like you go out alone!”,  WOW!  I didn’t realize that being an attractive female means that I should never leave the house unaccompanied!  Did San Francisco institute Sharia law without me noticing?

And my personal favorite:

  • “It must not be serious, I don’t see a ring.”

I hate attempting to justify my relationship to strangers, so I bought a fake engagement ring from Ms. Taken.  In thinking about it further, I hate the fact that I feel I have to wear this ring even more than the outrageous comments.  It speaks so much to the backwards “women are property” attitude that somehow persists in our society today.  But the ring works.  Once I slip on the “proof” that I am not looking for someone, I can sit at a bar, and I don’t have to deal with men who don’t understand that no means no.

Have any of my readers purchased a fake engagement ring?  Would you ever consider purchasing one, or consider suggesting it to a female friend?

IUDs Remain Awesome

A study published in The New England Journal of Medicine has verified what I have known for years now.  IUDs are a fantastic option for contraception.

According to the study, the US has the highest rate of unintended pregnancy among developed nations, and at least half of these unintended pregnancies are due to incorrect contraception use.  As I said before, one of the best reasons to choose an IUD over other contraception options is the removal of human error from the equation.  When you don’t have to remember to take a pill or put on a condom correctly, it makes the risk of an unintended pregnancy almost zero.  In fact, IUDs are 20 times more effective at preventing pregnancy in comparison to the pill, the patch, or the ring.

I have said it before, and I’ll say it again.  The next time you have a gynecology appointment, talk to your doctor about getting an IUD.  The effectiveness, the peace of mind, and the lack of hassle are worth it.  Arm yourself with information, and if they refuse to consider you for an IUD, then find another gynecologist.  I have heard anecdotal evidence that Planned Parenthood is particularly pro-IUD for anyone who is interested in getting one.

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